Why don’t we listen?
I come from a family of talkers. We all have opinions and we’re not afraid to share our thoughts. Just like a family of fishermen we’re always looking for an opportunity to catch someone in our web of ideas.
In my early years; not surprisingly; I’ve learned how to share my viewpoints well. Unfortunately, thinking back, I can’t say that I remember listening. I do recall, from time to time, someone making a reference to my inability to get the point: “a delusional opinion by someone who clearly didn’t understand the importance of my ideas” – might have been something that crossed my mind. I remember feeling offended and using that moment as an opportunity to argue harder.
In the wild-wild west of opinion slinging cowboys there are many ways to be the top dog:
- You can be loud
- You can be witty
- You can be logical
- You can be spiteful
No matter what path you choose you will likely be submitted by someone stronger or find yourself dominating a weaker opponent. People are hurt, relationships crumble, connections are broken.
I personally believe that in all that madness we miss the opportunity to connect: we miss the point of living.
To connect, we need to listen, and listening is often difficult.
As an example: recently I was told a story.
A tale of hurt, resentment, shame, anger, frustration, and betrayal. The speaker was lively, expressive and emotional. As the story progressed and I became more engrossed in the tale I experienced other emotions:
Hurt, anger, frustration, annoyance, agitation: in other words, my internal system was gearing up for a fight.
To make a long story short I’ve handled the situation well. I kept my emotions to myself, I paid attention, acknowledged the story teller and the importance of their tale, didn’t judge and only when asked for advice offered my opinion [emphasizing my lack of expertise in the matter and my intent to be supportive] – [I’ve also done so by expressing my own personal sensations of discomfort that I’ve listed above]. But this is NOT the point.
THE point is: I was experiencing trauma while another individual was telling me a sensitive story. In my moment of weakness, my default reaction could have been to terminate the conversation – I was tempted. I felt uncomfortable and I wanted the speaker to stop.
In these critical moments, we often find ourselves internalizing the incoming information and treating it as a problem; a problem that must be resolved through a quick and decisive action usually offered through a comment that is far from helpful.
We FAIL to listen.
Dear reader,
I would like to end this reflection with a few suggestions.
For the men who struggle with feelings and emotions consider that you’re missing out on a rare opportunity to connection with others. Consider that your relationships are limited by your ability to take on a difficult action of listening. The same applies to females but especially men.
For the women who often share their thoughts/feelings with others; those that are able/there to listen: consider that if you’re talking to a man then it is likely that he is struggling and is not able to help although wants to. Help him help you.
WORK TOGETHER, connect!
