Max Titov

Stand your Ground

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How do you see the world? How does the world see you? Do you know what you’re worth? And are you getting your share of the pie?

Earlier today I partook in an exhilarating experience that tested the entire core of my being. From the moment that I picked up the phone and uttered a typical greeting I knew that the path ahead would be filled with guilt driven propaganda.

The Topic

It was a simple discussion: I wanted a raise in my hourly rate for the services that I`ve been providing.

The players involved in the conversations were: an agent and yours truly

The Preparation

This was not a spontaneous occurrence: this was an orchestrated even that took time, effort and patience to put together.  I’ve spent a month learning, negotiating, reflecting, asking, waiting, rejecting, and demanding fair treatment.

It is not necessary to go in to details.  All you have to know is this: I believe that a man who is responsible for 95% of the effort deserves 95% of the profit.

The Challenge

My dear reader.  My sole intent and purpose for writing this post is to shed light on the ugliness of guilt and shame driven manipulation.  I am not immune to these tactics and it is my hope that if you are reading this you will find some comfort in the knowledge that they can be avoided.  That the plan has a flaw, that in order for the attack to work the victim must believe in his own depravity.

To this I simply urge you, DON’T.  Stay true to yourself and to your goal at hand.  Believe, hold your head high and move forward.

Through out the entire discussion the agent has failed to give me a single solid point of value. There were no facts, no rime or reason, he leveraged his entire opposition on the simple idea that I should feel ashamed for wanting to demand the bread that I have earned.  And here’s how he went about it:

  • This is unreasonable
  • You are unreasonable
  • We are one company, you can’t be thinking of yourself
  • How can you suddenly ask for this?  What changed?
  • This is disrespectful
  • I am shocked
  • You are being unrealistic
  • I can’t make the call, it’s not up to me
  • This will take time
  • You are not being fare
  • I can’t make any promises
  • You are being selfish
  • You are not worth what you’re asking
  • Our company overhead cannot afford your proposal
  • You are replaceable
  • Anyone is replaceable

How to HOLD YOUR GROUND

I won’t lie; it’s not easy; when you know who you are, your worth and that you are fighting a moral principle.  Each and every comment listed above is an insult designed to get you off balance, to pull you in to an emotional turmoil, to bring you to your knees and have you beg for mercy.

I suggest the following strategy.

  • Set a time limit to the call, don`t waste time
  • Don’t bother explaining, stick to your goal
  • Give options and stick to them, don’t stray from the path
  • Let him talk, don’t jump to defend yourself
  • While he is talking jot things down
  • Wait for 5/10/15 seconds, just wait, silence is uncomfortable even for trained negotiators
  • Think, don’t rush, let him sweat, let him explain himself
  • Use the following line: I know what I am worth, and I am sure if you were to put yourself in my shoes you would understand that this is justified
  • Be prepared to walk away

If you believe that the agent/world is going to notice your worth [as you toil away at your post] and treat you fairly, then I urge you to think again. Try speaking to someone retired and ask if they ever received what they were truly worth.  Your rate is a by-product of your self-worth and your willingness to stand your moral ground; demand nothing less and hold true to your believes.

I know, it’s not fair, it’s tough and it is so much easier to fall in line.  But consider what you might be missing!

I will leave you my dear reader with a quote from a movie; I hope this message gives you hope, I hope you have courage and strength to believe in yourself and in your value.  BE FREE!

Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!

Max Titov

Behind the veil

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A friend who recently came back for holidays from her work assignment overseas in Kuwait told me an interesting story.

What captured my attention and the purpose for this post is her account of the interactions between men and women, those who are starting on their journey to become lifelong partners.

It is wildly known and observed in North America that Arab culture is built on particular customs.  Just as any other example much of what is not understood in our world is often treated with hostility and anger.

So, my friend told me a story: she told me a story of women who spend their life hidden from the world.  She told me about what happens behind the curtains, in the mind of women that are on the verge of being married to the men that will become their lifelong partners.

My friend made a reference to a simple fact that for the first time in her life a woman would be able to show a man her hair.  That’s right, this simple act, this little insignificant little gesture.

Turns out, it’s not simple at all, it’s not trivial, but rather it is extremely important.  Women spend hours worrying about their hair.  Even men find themselves asking silly questions like: how dos it look, how do you cut it, where do you cut it, and what colour is it?

It’s such a simple thing and at the same time through tradition a moment between a man and a woman seeing each other for the first time is elevated to un-imaginable scales.

The point that I am trying to make here dear reader is simple.  Imagine how much we take for granted, imagine what we’re missing out on.  Understand that our world is filled with wonders and beauty.  Finally, consider that there’s even beauty in the things that we don’t understand.

I invite you to be open, to listen to others, listen to their tales and their stories, connect, rejoice and celebrate life.

Your’s truly,

Max

Max Titov

Kindness: what limits us?

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It’s the holiday season: we open our homes and our hearts to the possibility of making a connection with others.  We look at everything that was accomplished, examine the things that could have been better, unwind and toast to the new beginnings that bound to take shape in the new and upcoming year.

For some surviving the holiday season is not a walk in the park. For those of us who have family, friends, and an endless list of acquaintances the process is a marathon that requires, skill, patience, and determination.

After reading a heartwarming article titled A Self Love Holiday Guide #3 it became evident that another important quality is kindness.

I’ve considered the following question: what gets in a way of being kind?

My question for you dear reader is: is kindness a natural act for you?  Do you have to work at it?  Were you raised to be kind or did you have to learn it?

Reflecting on the last few years I can honestly say that I had a very different view of what kindness was.  I would probably classify the idea with something that would resemble a weakness. Furthermore I would likely struggle with the concept of being consciously kind to others.

For me, what gets in the way is the idea of projecting my own ideas and believes on to others.  So in a way, being kind to another comes as a result of acceptance.  I consider my actions to be generally kind but they are not because I try to win over the affections of another person; I just choose to live my life this way because it’s easier for me.

There’s a general feel in our social environment which suggests that you should be kind to others in order to get something in return.

I invite you dear reader to consider the following: instead of expecting something from others [which will likely happen anyway] consider that by being kind you’re letting go of all the negativity that burden your mind.  Consider the possibility that by being kind you’re freeing yourself from the clutter and overwhelming stress.

I invite you to be kind not for others, but for yourself.

 

Have a wonderful day dear reader,

Max

Max Titov

Personal Mantras

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2015 is approaching fast.  There’s only a few weeks left to finish our goals, wrap our gifts and figure out who we’re going to kiss at the strike of 12.

It’s been another interesting year: filled with growth, inspiration, challenges and triumphs. I’ve learned a lot and through the process I’ve collected a set of mantras that I carry with me on a daily basis; I would like to share those with you, perhaps they too will make a positive difference in your life my dear reader.

“Be the strongest version of yourself”

Although strength is typically associated with physical attributes I’ve expanded this idea to other aspects of my life: be that physical, mental, spiritual, sociological, psychological, professional and even romantic.  Someone asked me recently “what is your goal, your motivation”; being the strongest version of myself would have to be it.

It’s an ongoing process; it’s a journey, a mission, and a lifestyle. Who I am today is not the person I will be tomorrow, or the next day; everything is changing: old ideas are dying, new ones are blooming; I adapt, evolve, and move forward; always progressing in a direction that suits my interests.

The trick is to give it your best and acknowledge the effort throughout the experience.

“Sacrifice the version of yourself today for the one tomorrow”

I often find that this particular mantra helps me through challenging times.  I think the applications are obvious in situations when you want to give up.  However there are also times when we need a break; a rest period to recharge our batteries and reconnect with our inner purpose.  I’ve found that the same idea helps even in those situations; in moments when I feel anxious that I am not performing to my 150%, at the time when the guilt and desire to push forward start thrusting me forward I stop, repeat the phrase and take a step back releasing the tension.

“Find what you love, fill your life with it and remove the components that limit you”

This is a relatively new idea [for me].  It’s a simple yet complicated concept.

The first challenge is to figure out what actually makes you happy, what motivates you, what gives you that spark in your daily routine that puts a smile on your face.  It’s a challenge because we are constantly bombarded with ideas that are supposed to make us happy; how are we to know what really matters?

The second challenge involves removing components that limit our ability to experience happiness.  There are many factors that affect us every day, we’re conditioned to act and behave in certain manners and as a result it is often extremely difficult to break away from those habits, to abandon our assumed comforts, to step away from what we were taught and believe, to decide for ourselves, to stand firm and say “no, that is enough”.

It takes courage, determination and the foresight to embark in to the unknown with hope for the better tomorrow.

 

All these ideas are relatively simple; but simple has nothing to do with a lot of hard work.

Max

 

Max Titov

Climbing a Mountain

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I often come across interesting stores, stores that capture my imagination and at the same time remind me of my own struggles, challenges and victories.

This is one of those tales, it’s a story shared by Elliot Hulse:

“It’s not about living up to the heights set artificially by society or the expectations of others.  It’s knowing your ideal self and not letting that person down.  That person is waiting for you on your personal peak, and it is up to you to get there.

But you have to be willing to make the journey.  It’s a difficult journey, but one worth taking.  Awareness and appreciation of the journey to the ideal makes life so beautiful and all the negatives so trivial.  At least that’s how I think and feel when I am fully conscious of the greatness that is within us, waiting to burst forth.

It’s still not too late.  Keep pushing.  Keep fighting.  Keep living life as it should be lived.

Don’t fear.  Don’t despair  Don’t let anything hold you back.  Especially not the worst of you, waiting at the base of the mountain you are climbing.  Calling you back to dull and suffocating comfort and mediocrity.

Strive.  Respect yourself and all that of which you are capable.

It will all be worth it.  It already is.”

Having another person see the world in the same way that you do is a scarce commodity. Elliot words truly resonate with my own.

Max

Max Titov

The Invitation

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Something wonderful that I came across by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy. 

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

 

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. 

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

 

Be awesome, be present, be real.

Happy Mondays

Max

Max Titov

Superior Man Revisited

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A while back I’ve read a book but never finished it. Different sections of the book rubbed me the wrong way.  While glancing through my notes that I’ve made months ago suddenly I could see connections, suddenly the new experiences that I’ve gone through created a better framework for my ability to understand what the author tried to convey.

  • Superior Man

    As defined by the contexts of the book as someone who gives himself to the world. To put it in another way [as I understand the author]: a superior man must act based on the best quality that he has as a person.

  • Three stages of growth

    – Developing for the sake of yourself [ie: earning money for yourself]

    – Cooperating and sharing with others [ie: working with those around you for the benefit of them]

    – Gaining an understanding of self and that everything always changes. That the actions and efforts taken by you might not be received by others and despite of that a Superior Man will continue to give himself to the world as defined above

    Stage 3 in particular made me think back to the post that I’ve made very recently where I’ve explored the idea of being single.

  • Masculine & feminine characteristics

    These are terms used to define behavior of any given person where a “masculine” characteristic is attributed to that that does not change, that which stays constant while “feminine” characteristic in reverse is attributed to constant flux.

    I think this particular definition is very fitting.

  • Sexual tension/polarity

    The author makes an interesting observation that in his opinion sexual dynamics are governed by the displacement of “masculine” and “feminine” characteristics of both partners. In scenarios where both partners are balanced in their own personalities it is likely that they will share a great sense of love and understanding for one another but through that they will not be able to achieve a vast sexual energy.

    Thinking of this and relating the concept to personal experience it seems plausible that the infinitely popular concept “chemistry” can easily be viewed as the psychological balance between the two individuals. That in order to facilitate that desire and lust, each partner must chose a particular role to play in the dance of courtship.

    Having said this there’s obviously something to note about long term relationships: the importance of finding a balance within one self and becoming a stable union capable to withstand challenges over time.

    In essence it seems that having a solid understanding of sexual polarity will begin and develop a well balanced relationship.

  • Three levels of dependencies

    – A person is incomplete and is dependent on others because they are strongly associated with one or the other main personality constructs [masculine/feminine]

    – A person becomes whole & independent

    – The individual becomes aware of something bigger, something eternal: be that god, destiny, universe, etc… The person obtains a sense of awareness and that one’s actions are not done for oneself and not for others but rather for something “eternal”

    Looking back at my notes; section 3 of the dependencies didn’t make any sense to me.  I’ve made comments like “i am not a fan of this vague bs“.  But having revisited the concept now something seems to connect.  Through a set of events and experiences I’ve developed the capacity to understand things differently.  The concepts of beauty & soul have been missing in my general equation.  Looking at stage 3 now, it seems plausable that the third level of dependencies identifies recognition of one’s own purpose in life.

    A quote that i recently came across seems very fitting now: “finding your purpose is being satisfied with where you are“.

    The author claims that in order to achieve the third level one must spend a considerable amount of time in isolation contemplating the meaning of things.

    I suppose the very same can be achieved through meditation [something that I’ve yet to fully explore] but in general I believe that the statement is accurate.  Being on your own and having time to yourself does provide you with a door in to the world of self actualization.  Or at least that is what I’ve been able to experience through my en-devours.

  • Fear

    There’s a separate section dedicated solely to the idea of fear. The author discusses the challenges that arise when people make decisions out of fear instead of the desire to be true to themselves. Examples like: men being afraid of not having enough money and picking a job that they do not love; individuals marrying out of being alone or in a similar fashion having kids.  So instead of making important decisions from a clear/rational stand point some make choices and pick things that just come along.

  • Masculine Integrity

    Aligning yourself in such a way that you can take care of yourself, those who depend on you and at the same time be aware and practice the idea that nothing lasts – so in spite of change the Superior Man will continue giving and letting go

  • Making time

    Superior Man makes time to be complete in spite of obligations and responsibilities.

  • Relationships between men and women

    Masculine is to understand the feminine/change and accept it.  “Do not trust mind/body, things will come and go but the sense of purpose will remain the same“.  The author makes a beautiful reference: “listen to your partner as though she was the wind or a symphony, draw insight but do not jump to conclusions that you must act“.

Having gone through my notes one thing is evident.  My views have changed and I think I am able to get a better appreciation of the book now then i did before.

Max

 

Max Titov

Why are you still single?

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That’s such a terrible question, it’s a terrible question because of the message that it sends across; the message that there is something wrong with you.  Well first of all let me come out and say that there’s nothing wrong with being single [unless you feel that you need to be in a relationship – in which case I empathize with your desires to connect with another person].

Secondly, I would like to take a stab and answer this question.

I am still single because I am on a journey of discovery; I am looking for a person to travel along my side.  I am moving in a particular direction and although I am meeting new people along the way some are on a different path, some think that my path is too challenging, and although there are those who have the potential to go along the same route I am still struggling with the concept of explaining the value/purpose of where I am heading.

It’s a mountain; that’s where I am heading; it’s such a fitting analogy.

I meet people and I tell them; “hi, im going up there, im climbing a mountain, want to join?  There’s an awesome view at the top!”

“Hell no” or “maybe another time” or “we don’t have the right chemistry for such a journey” … boy are those some charming comebacks

Obviously disspointed I reply: “okedoke”; I turn, face the hill and bounce along

 

I have to confess something dear reader: this analogy is hilariously fascinating.  A few months ago while trying online dating I had a whimsical thought: the right woman for me would not be on these sites but rather would be climbing a mountain.

How fitting it is to finally make that connection.

 

Even so, regardless of the now.  I think it’s important to carefully look at those who cross our path; I think many of us tend to get upset and frustrated with the outcome.  What is important and what puts a smile on my face; is the realization that the experiences that we share with others help us grow, they helps us change, they helps us go beyond our abilities and understanding of ourselves.

So there: look at yourself, be joyful, be present and keep your head high as you go forth on your wonderful path.

PS: be kind to those that you meet along the way.

 

Max

Max Titov

A Shimmering Instance

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My friends and I went to see a new movie #interstellar on Sunday.  It was their second time and first for me.  I’ve enjoyed the experience but had a difficult time talking about it afterwards; I felt a bit dumb and my vocabulary shrunk to a primitive list of phrases like: “aha”, “yea”, “yup”, “that was good”.  I suppose I was a bit overwhelmed.

Something happened the following Monday: something different, something unusual and wonderful.

I loaded the soundtrack from the movie on to my mp3 player and went outside to get some groceries during my lunch break.  On my way to the store I started noticing things, I started paying closer attention [things which I haven’t taken time to acknowledge before]: a water droplet on a tree branch, an intersection light above me swarmed by a flurry of snowflakes, the feeling of tiny icy bits landing on my face, the blurred-out crowds of people in the mall [I started to look beyond them in to the distance].

I walked half grinning with my head slightly tilted to the side.

My pace eased, I started to slow, began to feel the music take me; I knew that I was getting pretty emotional.

On the way back I found an isolated spot in the middle of a field covered in snow.  I stopped, looked up and as the music escalated I watched the flakes falling – I watched them swarm, slow down, pick up the pace; some rushed towards me and others fell calmly in the distance. I don’t know how long I was there, just standing; maybe 5min?

I watched it all unfold and then I started to cry.

 

Happy Mondays!

Max

Max Titov

A Moment

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I would like to start this snowy Monday with a reference to a thought that I had a little while back.

“Big moments are important but at times I find it more interesting to look around. It’s wonderful to watch the first dance of a newly married bride and groom but if you carefully look through the crowd it’s likely that you will find someone who just made a connection: a person un-tainted by expectations, judgements or obligations.
So in a way this random moment of raw emotion is more valuable to me. 99% of the room will not notice it, will not see it and the world will continue spinning as though that moment never existed. But it has!”

So take a moment, a step back, and look around you: any moment, any action, any experience has the potential to literally take your breath away.

May we all have a wonderful week.

Max