Why don’t we listen?

I come from a family of talkers.  We all have opinions and we’re not afraid to share our thoughts.  Just like a family of fishermen we’re always looking for an opportunity to catch someone in our web of ideas.

In my early years; not surprisingly; I’ve learned how to share my viewpoints well. Unfortunately, thinking back, I can’t say that I remember listening.  I do recall, from time to time, someone making a reference to my inability to get the point: “a delusional opinion by someone who clearly didn’t understand the importance of my ideas” – might have been something that crossed my mind.  I remember feeling offended and using that moment as an opportunity to argue harder.

In the wild-wild west of opinion slinging cowboys there are many ways to be the top dog:

• You can be loud
• You can be witty
• You can be logical
• You can be spiteful

No matter what path you choose you will likely be submitted by someone stronger or find yourself dominating a weaker opponent. People are hurt, relationships crumble, connections are broken.

I personally believe that in all that madness we miss the opportunity to connect: we miss the point of living.

To connect, we need to listen, and listening is often difficult.

As an example: recently I was told a story.

A tale of hurt, resentment, shame, anger, frustration, and betrayal.  The speaker was lively, expressive and emotional.  As the story progressed and I became more engrossed in the tale I experienced other emotions:

Hurt, anger, frustration, annoyance, agitation: in other words, my internal system was gearing up for a fight.

To make a long story short I’ve handled the situation well. I kept my emotions to myself, I paid attention, acknowledged the story teller and the importance of their tale, didn’t judge and only when asked for advice offered my opinion [emphasizing my lack of expertise in the matter and my intent to be supportive] – [I’ve also done so by expressing my own personal sensations of discomfort that I’ve listed above].  But this is NOT the point.

THE point is: I was experiencing trauma while another individual was telling me a sensitive story.  In my moment of weakness, my default reaction could have been to terminate the conversation – I was tempted. I felt uncomfortable and I wanted the speaker to stop.

In these critical moments, we often find ourselves internalizing the incoming information and treating it as a problem; a problem that must be resolved through a quick and decisive action usually offered through a comment that is far from helpful.

We FAIL to listen.

Dear reader,

I would like to end this reflection with a few suggestions.

For the men who struggle with feelings and emotions consider that you’re missing out on a rare opportunity to connection with others.  Consider that your relationships are limited by your ability to take on a difficult action of listening.  The same applies to females but especially men.

For the women who often share their thoughts/feelings with others; those that are able/there to listen: consider that if you’re talking to a man then it is likely that he is struggling and is not able to help although wants to.  Help him help you.

WORK TOGETHER, connect!