Empathy is NOT the default setting

While going through the works of @BreneBrown I was introduced to the idea that empathizing with another person is not the default reaction that most of us have.

This topic is particularly important to me because I’ve been struggling with the definition, understanding and application of empathy in my daily life.  At one point or another I realized and accepted that I didn’t have a natural sense for empathy – I suppose you could say that I never took the time to learn as I was growing up.

In North American culture a typical male is defined by characteristics of a person who struggles with listening, understanding and relating to others; it is common for males to try and solve a problem at hand [in essence killing the conversation and avoiding any type of vulnerability]. It’s a standard defense mechanism.

I was no exception.  That’s how I was raised and that’s how I understood the world.  Great men before me did this and great men after me will do the same.

I don’t know how or when this came to be the case but I’ve always thought a True Man out to embody the following:

• Strength
• Control
• The ability to take on everything that the world threw at you and keep moving forward: quietly, silently, determined, like some kind of a mechanical being

A True Man must not show qualities that are in essence equivalent to those that are found in our female counterparts.  I strongly believe this is the root cause of this whole mess.

Being vulnerable, being open, being connected with others is understood as a weakness.  We cling together, we find comfort in our organized inability to feel or understand and we lash out – we lash out in most terrible ways possible – we lash out because we can’t help it and we don’t know why.  It’s a terrible cycle.

Here’s what gets me.

If we collectively stop for a second and realize that empathy is not the default reaction; that it’s a skill that requires practice, patience and diligence to master; then suddenly I think we will realize that we are going about this all wrong.

What I often hear is “men don’t listen”; that’s right; it’s a shaming response to a particular behavior.  And what do you think happens when men hear this?  Men retreat further in to our default personalities.

Additionally I believe that the concept that men want to be understood is grossly undervalued.  It’s not a one direction highway.

Any human shares a great desire to be understood and accepted for who they are.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman.

Taking this as a starting point it only seems natural that the work must come from both ends; both men and women must play an active role in improving our culture. Both genders must accept each other and unshackle themselves from our social bindings.

If we don’t we are destined to remain in the dark.

I have hope.

I have hope my dear reader.

I have hope that things are changing, that we’re growing, that we as a human species are slowly getting better at understanding each other.  We’re not there yet but we’re making progress.

I hope, I am right.

Till next time,

Max